Softening of a Hardened Heart in Singleness

About a year ago I became more serious and open to the idea of marriage. At almost 36 I have been single my entire life, without counting my elementary boyfriend and a 2 day “relationship” of holding hands while running down the halls in middle school. Dating was never a thing that happened for me. Mostly because I spent most of my time putting others before myself, which left little time for me, and even less time to think about dating. Sure over the years I’d have a period of time when I’d set up an online profile because I thought maybe I’d be interested, but nothing ever came of it, and for the most part I was okay with it. Many times I’d be pressured from my family questioning why I wasn’t interested and even sharing their damaging ideas that there must be something wrong with me. Between my parents divorce, the trauma that came along with it, my father and his wife’s marriage and divorce, along with other relationships I observed over the years, marriage and all the things that came with it hardened my heart to the idea of marriage. There was nothing I had witnessed that I had wanted for myself. I built up walls and put defense mechanisms in place. As the years went by my heart continued to harden as I felt complacent in singleness. That was until this last year, when I opened up my journal and wrote a prayer asking God to soften my heart to the idea of marriage.

Over the last 5 years I’ve been on a journey of healing, which has allowed me to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. When a person’s heart is hardened and damage by people it greatly affects our relationship with God. Though God is our Father and His love is unconditional, we may find it difficult to believe by the hurt we experience here on earth. But as I began to heal, draw myself closer to him, my heart began to thaw. My eyes can see more clear, my mind is more open, my heart is softening. God’s love, mercy, kindness, gentleness, compassion…has penetrated my heart deeper than ever before. As I’ve healed in many areas along the journey, another has been set out. And even though I may have some frost bite or unthawed parts I have a newfound desire in my heart, and that is for marriage.

Just over a year ago I don’t believe I would be in the place I am now if I hadn’t put in the work and allowed God to work within me. It is God who has given me this desire, and it is Him whom I sought after to heal the wounded places and whom I am seeking to prepare me for a marriage that He would want for me. I started a coaching program created by my dear friend, who is also a Life Coach, called Season of Singleness (highly recommend, please message me if you would like some details and connections!!) which I’ve just recently completed, read articles, books, listened to podcasts and messages, had conversations with friends, studied areas of the Bible that talk about marriage and relationships, and prayed! Prayed, prayed, prayed! Now could I have prayed more? Yes! Of course! I don’t want you to get the wrong idea though, this last year there has been struggle and I haven’t devoted all my time to dating or focusing on finding marriage. But I do want to give you the impression that I’ve been intentional. I am asking Him for His wisdom. I am asking Him to reveal places that I need sanctification in. If I want Jesus to be the foundation of my marriage, He needs to be the foundation of my life. So as I discover what a healthy marriage looks like I am trusting that God is continuing to bring health and healing to the rest of me. As well as prayer for my future husband, that he too would be seeking a deeper relationship with God, working on healing the wounded places in his heart, and himself becoming sanctified. Though it would be nice and easier if it all came together right now, I am patient enough (currently) to trust that it will come together when and as it should.

I am fully aware that I have more healing and more preparation before and throughout marriage, but with that being said I believe I am more ready now than ever to step into this next season of my singleness, with a more softened heart.

About a year ago I also started leaning into what you might call “getting my feet wet” with the idea of dating and what that might look like. I signed up for some dating sites, and have had some great and not so great conversations with some guys. Towards the beginning I jumped in a little too fast before my feet were acclimated to the temperature! But hey, it’s a learning curve! Through this time I’ve been able to discover more of what I’m looking for, finding out what are deal breakers, but also learning what I thought would be deal breakers may not be so bad. I’ve been hit with some truth of reality and have been humbled. I’m developing more discernment and wisdom when talking with others. It is all very interesting, especially experiencing it now in my mid30s rather than in my teenage years like most Americans!

Though I’ve just begun, I’ve recently put “dating” to the side. I’ve put a hold on my dating accounts, while God is calling me into another season of healing. Just a few weeks ago while I was trying to connect with someone I could sense there was some sort of disconnect, though he said he was interested. I boldly asked him what was going on. He shared with me that he had a lot that was going on in his personal life that was hindering his ability to appropriately communicate and connect. This lead to us mutual agreeing to wait til the end of summer to try reconnecting after we both took time to work on ourselves. As I sensed God has some plans to work mightily in this man’s life, I knew God also has more to work on in my life. So this summer I am digging deeper into more levels of healing for more growth. Though I know it may be painful to dig up more roots and a lot of work pulling up the weeds, I know the beauty it brings, and I look forward to finding more freedom on the other side.

I do not know what exactly God has in store for me through the summer, I do not know if I’ll reconnect with this man, nor do I know how the rest of my singleness looks like, but I’m trusting in the One who does. I acknowledge He’s the one who’s planted this desire, softened my heart, providing the weeding, wisdom and discernment, and that He’ll be the One to bring the harvest.

As those around me celebrate milestones in their marriage and relationships, I too can celebrate milestones in my singleness.

No matter what brought you here to read this blog, I hope this can encourage you to open up to the idea of softening your heart to whatever it may be that may have your heart hardened. Are you closed off to something? Or maybe there’s an area in your life you need healing and freedom from? I encourage you to bring it to God. Ask Him to help you soften your heart. You may not know where to start, so start with prayer. He’ll provide the resources.